Are you in the midst of divorce and constantly thinking about your spouse?
Do you wonder where he is, what she’s doing or who he’s with?
Are you over analyzing every thing he or she says and does in your divorce and repeatedly asking “why is she doing these things” or “how can he do these things to me”?
Do your persistent thoughts of your spouse cause you to neglect your work, home-life or friendships?
Do you feel anxious or depressed because you can’t get your spouse out of your mind?
Are you criticizing yourself for being weak because you feel like your obsessive thoughts about your spouse are ruining your life?
If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, the “Pretend Your Spouse Does Not Exist Exercise” is for YOU!
How does the “Pretend Your Spouse Does Not Exist Exercise” work?
It’s simple, really.
All you need to do is:
- Notice whenever you’re unnecessarily and obsessively thinking about your spouse
- Stop thinking about your spouse by pretending he or she does not exist
Yes, that’s right.
The moment you become aware of your obsessive or unnecessary thoughts about your spouse, just pretend he or she does not exist.
“But wait!” you say.
“How can I pretend my spouse doesn’t exist if I’m getting divorced and he’s / she’s making my life a living hell?”
Let me explain.
During divorce there are times when you need to think about your spouse, but you do NOT need to think about him 24 hours per day, 7 days per week. Nor do you need to think about her character defects; the motivations behind his actions (unless they are relevant to your divorce strategy); her new personal life; the things he said or did when you were breaking up (unless you are speaking with your therapist in an attempt to heal and grow); the things she said or did when you last saw her (unless you need to relay the information to your lawyer because it pertains to your divorce); or any other irrelevant aspect of his life.
So how can you determine when you NEED to think about your spouse and when you can pretend he or she does not exist?
You can begin by identifying all of the issues in your divorce. The major issues that are common in most divorces are child custody and visitation; child support; spousal support, alimony or maintenance; property division.
Once you’ve identified the major issues in your case, ask yourself whether you REALLY need to think about your spouse to resolve these issues or if you ONLY need to think about your needs, feelings, strategies, etc.
Here are a few examples of when you REALLY need to think about your spouse in order to resolve the issues in your divorce:
You are contemplating how to proceed with your divorce – whether you will be able to negotiate a settlement with your spouse on your own, without hiring attorneys or whether you and your spouse are good candidates for mediation or collaborative divorce.
You are trying to prepare a child custody and visitation or parenting plan.
Your attorney is preparing to go to court or take your spouse’s deposition and he or she needs information from you in order to complete his or her work.
Here are a few examples of when you DO NOT need to think about your spouse and can pretend he or she does not exist:
Your friends tell you they saw your spouse having dinner downtown.
Your kids tell you their mom or dad just adopted a new puppy.
Your spouse sends you a text saying he’s / she’s thinking about you.
You’re at the spa with girlfriends relaxing and unwinding
You can also set parameters on the days and times when it is appropriate for you to pretend your husband does not exist. For example, whenever you are at work, eating a meal, going to sleep or working out. You also can carve out specific dates and times when you are going to think about your husband because it is necessary to move forward in your divorce. During these times your thoughts of your husband will be restricted to those that are pertinent to the topics at hand and necessary to resolve divorce issues. For example, if you are calculating child support you will think about your husband’s employment, income, expenses, tax deductions, and any other factors that are specifically required for purposes of the calculations. You are not going to think about your husband’s new baby that he and his girlfriend had together after you separated.
Why should you ever pretend that your husband does not exist?
Because at times, when you are still raw and suffering, it may be the only way that you can free your mind, nurture your soul, and enjoy all of the blessings that are still in your life.
It can help you learn to let go.
It gives you an opportunity to start visualizing, imagining, dreaming about how wonderful your life and plans for the future are or will be.
It can help you heal.
It will let your brilliant light shine freely, if even for a moment or two each day.
When should you begin using this exercise in your divorce?
The very next time you find yourself obsessively and unnecessarily thinking about your husband.
From my soul to yours,
xo
Helene.
This article is not legal advice. You should contact a lawyer in your state to discuss the specifics or your case and applicable laws.
